Get Used To Disappointment - After 38 Years, I Live It, Damn It

After looking forward to finally getting my motorcycle when I get paid, I am once again forced to delay my dreams and suffer through another month of wasting money driving that fucking truck to work! It's expensive with the kind of commute I have, at least 50 miles if not more, in a big '94 extended cab with a 350 engine, no A/C and in dire need of front brakes. I've already had to replace the rear brakes, have the radiator repaired and suffer without A/C for almost 4 months now and it's getting old.

What really pisses me off is that my mother - who never offers to do anything of the sort - offered to co-sign on a car for me, of course it wasn't one the that I wanted, but she refuses to co-sign for me on the motorcycle - simply because she doesn't like the idea of me driving one. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize this was about what you wanted mom. Pardon me. The shitty thing is she thinks that just because she has to suffer, everyone else should too - especially me.

I tried talking to her about my frustration or at least voice it to her - maybe get some sympathy, empathy - anything! But as always, she just retorted about all her financial issues completely ignoring what I said and didn't even bother to fucking to comment on anything I said - nothing, nada, zilch.

And that's just what I'm left with for another fucking month - nothing, nada, zilch

Here we go, another week, another dollar...

It's the start of another week and its paycheck week! Woot! And you know what that means? A motorcycle! Yes, that's right, I'm getting a motorcycle when I get paid. Unfortunately, I haven't taken my riders class yet, so I won't be able to drive the damn thing home, but I will take my class next weekend and get my license asap! So needless to say, I'm extremely excited, even though there are so many depressing things on my mind.

I did get back in touch with my best friend from Junior High and High School - Benjie Butler. He has always been an inspiration to me, because he followed his heart and did whatever the fuck he wanted, no matter what his parents or anyone else said. Of course, he did have some very supportive parents, unlike me, so it was probably easier for him to have the confidence to follow his dreams. My mom constantly crushed my dreams, calling them stupid or unrealistic, so I didn't grow up with a great sense of self-worth or self-confidence, which is why I spent so many years drowning myself in drugs and bad relationships that only increased my self-loathing.

Even today, it's the same with her. Just about everything I want to do is shot down with some negative response or lecture about how wrong it is or why I shouldn't do it. Getting the motorcycle is a prime example. She won't even talk to me about it. She doesn't even want to hear about it. It's a shame we can't pick our parents. It's a shame when some parents can't get over themselves to support their children. I always swore that I would never be like her towards my own kids, sometimes I catch myself slipping, but for the most part I've done pretty good.